TRICYCLE: The Art of Being the Third Wheel

If one of the wheels blow out on a tricycle, you can unconventionally, hopefully get to your destination with just two wheels. A bicycle flat and you’re done. If I could get paid for being the third wheel in my relationships I’d be bathing in billions (the picture I’m envisioning is me in a bathtub full of money and its quite sexy, if I do say so myself). I wonder if it is a job?

10% of the time the couple is NOT one I want to go out with at all. I genuinely like one of you and maybe both but together y’all are HORRIFIC. The ones that stop hanging out with anyone but their significant other, blow me, and want to hang out when its convenient for them. No dice. If you go missing, then I will not reciprocate. Nails on a chalkboard bad. Changing who you are for your significant other bad. WHY ARE Y’ALL DATING? I just avoid that all together.

90% of the time I enjoy being the third wheel, it doesn’t bother me. When you and your significant other get in your disagreement of the night (there’s always at least one) even with the happiest of lovebirds, you turn to me (the third wheel). I am usually able to let y’all see both sides and diffuse the situation OR I at least agree with one of you completely and let the other one think they were right (the girl), but truly I try to nip the disagreement in the bud because someone is RIGHT and some is WRONG and let’s move on and have another shot. You two are fun, great, loving, genuine people. This seems like I’m writing this to one couple. I’m not. I feel like this for several of y’all. GOOD PEOPLE. You know who you are.

Y’all are my mini families. I have several and I’m not cheating on any of y’all just loving you in your own ways. Every couple is different. I thoroughly enjoy you as a couple and as separate people. Either my girlfriend’s boyfriend or my guy friend’s girlfriend… It all melts together and the blurred lines in this situation are great because we are all best friends. The 3 best friends that anyone could have. Maybe I do have favorites? Haven’t even thought about it. You’d assume so, since a singular person has best friends, a third wheel would have best couples.  I need my couples, they act as bodyguards and two bodyguards are better than one. The girl to be the bitch and the guy to fight, or just two supportive people, yes guys some of you are supportive, I know I have just shaken you to the core with this breaking news. The girls let the guys make me feel special, buy me drinks, harmless flirt. The guy trusts me enough to have his new girl as my new bff. It’s such a fun dynamic.

Now back to this being a job…  what if I was paid to sit at the bar of a restaurant while my friend was on a date (now I’m picturing myself like Dick Tracy), a scotch neat, and THAT hat. I get a text from my friend that the date is going poorly and pop up and save my friend or the date. This is for the SINGLE ones, sickos. That’d be badass. The company pays for my drinks and I get paid to hang out with at least one person that I love for relieving them from the awkwardness that is a bad date. Is this out there? Should I invent an app? I hereby copyright, trademark, the “Third Wheel, Save a Date” ©™ APP.

P.S. THIS BY NO MEANS MEANS I LIKE  BEING THE 5^TH, 7^TH, 9^TH, WHEEL. I’D RATHER JUMP. Let’s start small and STAY THERE.

I LOVE MY COUPLES.

xoxo,

B